How I feel his second.

Hurt! and I really have no reason to feel this way. Okay the full story. There's this boy I've known for 2+ years who back in March I bought a ticket to come stay with me because he was going through a bunch of bs that I didn't want my friend to go through. Before and after I bought the ticket we always flirted and talked a certain way which lead me to believe that when he got here to expect a certain interaction, I was wrong...he got here and it was like he didn't know me at all. And I dealt with that the best way I knew how, it may not have been how he may have felt I should bu,t it was what I knew to do. So he's here for over a month at this point and less than 24 hours away from leaving and I take him out for his last night here, and in the middle of the night he disappears...and so does this guy whose known as the "town hoe", lovingly of course(-_-). So I search them out and find them in the back seat of one of our friends car. Not doing anything at that point but who knows what did and could have happened. So I make a scene or whatever, we get back to my place and have a HUGE argument, (non-physical of course) and I put him out. Something I was advised to do from the the beginning. And to be 100% honest I didn't really want him to go, I just wanted him to settle down and not come at me the way he was, but that was a long shot. So he calls the cops they come and take him to the train station for him to wait 18+ hours for his train. I end up feeling bad and going to the train station, initially just to give him some money for food and what not but he looked so pathetic laying there on the floor sleep, so I ended up bring him back to my place until it was time for him to leave for good. He leaves, we don't talk for almost a month, and suddenly I see his name on my FB page posted by someone I introduced him to saying how much they love him and how great of a friend he is...and it KILLS because I've been nothing but real and genuine, to both of these people, and it feels like neither of them care for my existence. Which honestly shouldn't be that big of a issue because they do nothing for me but, still, when you open yourself up to wanting someone to be in your life and to have them shut you out completely, it hurts. And I don't know how to deal with this....

July 2, 2007. That was the day I lost my virginity. I wish I could tell you it was to the love of my life or my high school sweetheart or even my boyfriend for 3 years, 8 months and 13 days but, it wasn't. It was to this guy who I had flirted with for a couple months at this local gay club. I remember being bent over in the bathroom stall trying to convince myself that the pain was normal, that it would go away soon. I spent a lot of time assuring myself as a teen that pain wasn't real, that it could be pushed away and ignored and masked with the imitation of pleasure. I remember going home with a sense of relief. I had finally got it over with. Being a 19 year old virgin was hard for me, mainly because I grew up with, presumably, all straight male cousins who had lost their virginity years earlier. I felt like a bad boy for once in my life and It felt good!

Hell, being out FELT GOOD! The next weekend my "hook-up" was there with his boyfriend. That was my big welcome to the gay world. You have to understand, I grew up in a not so large city in the state of New York. The only gay person I knew was this transgendered prostitute that was a roommate with my crazy ass aunt.

A few months later I got involved with this guy who was officially my first boyfriend. I had just moved to DC and finally was becoming comfortable with my sexuality. He and I did the usually boyfriend things, hung out with friends, went to movies, out on dates, sleep over at each other's places. It was a really cute first REAL relationship for me. Then I got this message on Myspace...

"You dumb as f**k" was the subject line. Apparently my then boyfriend a few weeks prior to us getting together was in talks with this boy about moving to NYC to be with him and living happily ever after. After exchanging a few messages back and forth the boy gave me his number. I called him up and to be quite honest the only thing I remember is the very last part of the conversation. Right before he angrily hung up he shouted out, "I hope you playin' safe because Julian is positive..."

...to be continued.

Current Mood: I don't even know!

Lately I've been so out of sync with myself. I have every reason to be happy but I'm not! Well, that's not completely true, I have been feeling a bit left out by my friends. Sometimes I feel like I'm the third wheel when I hang out with them. It feels to me like I have to force them to hang out with me. Anyone whose reading this is probably thinking "well you need to let them "friends" go" but, I love my friends. I wasn't the most popular kid growing up, I was very shy and because of that I didn't have a social life. So now that I do have people I can call on and visa verse, it's hard for me to let them go(sadface). I just wish people would realize how much they meant to me and showed me that same love in return.
I think I just need a change of setting. I really wanted to move to DC this coming spring but, that doesn't seem like its gonna happen. If this job thing works out I'm def. gonna move by the fall. I've been in Syracuse for almost 3 years now, I can't take it for much longer.
I'm also single, which is okay with me. I'm not really looking for a relationship right now, maybe some company every now and then but, nothing other than that. However, there is this guy that I call my "doodle bug" that I think would be a great match with me but, he lives in New Orleans...or Michigan...I don't remember.
That's about all I have to say for right now...I'm going to try to update this thing more...but you know how that be!

Mascara stained tears.

I sit in my bed with mascara stained tears, as the music drums in the background, vibing, singing with so much emotions the words are barely audible, but the hurt is undeniable. Mascara stained tears that flow with no hesitation, as I bob my head and throw my hands in the air to Mary's "I can Love you..." but whose lovin me? Mascara stained tears fall as I reflect on the words that went without a response, the empty inbox, the desperate plea all are a part of my anguish. Mascara stained tear soaked pillow cases across my bed reveal the secrets of my night. Deep sighs, rolled eyes, psychological lies run through my mind. And on my face, mascara stained tears.

Today...

So I woke up with him lying next to me today...He and I were both nude under different blankets, close but so far apart. We broke up a week ago, we've managed to keep a pretty active sex life when we aren't arguing. It hurts, so much because I'm fighting a losing battle. I try to stay optimistic, and I try to show him how much I care for him but, none of that seems to be relevant to him.

*Giggles* So it's been a while. I haven't really been busy, just occupied. That guy and I that I blogged about before are still together and we're getting ready to move in together. Which means one of us(me) is moving to a different state. I'm excited, I was scared for a bit but, the closer I get to that date(May 8th or the 1st) the more that feeling disappears. About a month ago I had went to Cincinnati and stayed with him for a week. It was the best week ever. We did the usual couple things, went out to eat, movies, walks in the park/woods holding hands, and that other stuff..hehehe...We really meshed that week. We did get into a few lil spats but nothing big. However, since I left we have been having some really big arguments. I just think its out nerves about moving in together that's getting to us. I don't mean to make it sound like out relationship
has been all sunshine and candy canes; it hasn't been. It's been really tough these past few weeks, there's been tears and name calling, hurtful sarcasm, phones being hung-up in someones face. But in the long run it's going to be worth it; what doesn't kill us will only make us stronger.
So umm yea, I've never been a strong finisher so...bye!

I'm in a dream world.

So I'm finally in a good place. I'm talking to someone who I really care for, deeply. I've actually blogged about him before, so this is some what of a fairy tale for me. The crappy part is were in two different states. lol, which is no surprise to some of my close friends. They know how hard it is for me to find someone that I'm actually interested in here in my hometown.
So, yeah. He's different though, cliche I know, he makes me happy from miles away.
When I go to bed, I don't feel lonely, regardless of the fact that I am alone. In the post before this one I spoke a little about how I'm always playing the hero in my past relationships. This time he's my hero.

He's there when I need him to be. And although we have had a few arguments, well not really arguments; they were more misinterpretations; misunderstandings if you will, the connection we feel for each other never fades or yields.
I almost forgot how to feel like that for someone.

It's amazing how we almost fit together. Like two pieces of a puzzle.
He's what I want to be and more. He's smart, he's good looking, he's confident,
modest, sensitive(which he denies being) yet tough. He's my superman.
Yup...So I'm happy.