Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Smiles and rainclouds.

I'm not sure what the truth is anymore. I'm not sure if I'm happy or sad, tired or energized, lonely or content. I've gotten to a place where my mood is relatively stagnant. The high of my day is probably some random video on YouTube, or some shade thrown in the forums on bgc (sigh). But I'm not sad, I love who I am. I'm a beautiful person, both inside and out. I'm very open with people, I'm trusting and trustworthy I know my worth blah blah blah. It's just I'm ready to give that to someone, I'm ready to meet that person, that man.

I sorta feel like I've found him. He's someone I've known for a little while. We became friends when my ex and I were going through our little drama. He's always been a good supportive friend. The gagger this time is he's the one who's actually pursuing me. It's kind of weird, because I'm not use to that. Well, I'm not use to being pursued by someone I'm actually attracted to. It's new, It makes me giggle, I feel my cunt with this one. lol.

Aww, that put a smile on my face.

Wow, I just realized I have something to wake up for tomorrow.
Omg I haven't "touched" myself in two days. I must be sick....

Monday, October 27, 2008

Can I borrow some motivation?

What is going on with me lately? I just haven't really been motivated to do anything. It's getting to the point where I have to force myself out of bed in the morning to go to school. Its really sad for me to say this, but I feel like if I had someone to wake up to, it wouldn't be so difficult. My interest have been "sparked" a few times by a few individuals this past week. I promised myself I wouldn't pursue any of them though. I'm trying to get myself out of the habit of chasing everything I see. One of my finer qualities I believe, but it hasn't always(never) worked out for me in the dating arena. Celibacy is a bitch btw, thanks for asking.
About a month or so ago, I decided to grow my hair out. Right now its really curly and cute. I actually got a compliment on it today.

Hmm, lets see what else.

These past two days all I've been eating is trail mix(monster mix of course) and water. I'm definitely eating a big breakfast tomorrow morning.

Ugh, I have no life. Honestly guys, I sit at this computer all damn day.
Well I'm off to go get my "one a day" in and hit the sack. lmao, laters!

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Who am I

Have you ever gotten to a place that was so deeply hidden that you didn't know who you were anymore? These past 5 months have been really hard on my mentality. I've been dealing with some betrayal, a little confusion. Some heartbreak, and anger. I use to be so full of life and energy. I use to want to dance endlessly, now you'd be lucky to even see me at a club or party. I want to regain my zeal for life, but how do I do that? How do I pick up where I left off, If I can't even remember where that was? It's time I do some deep soul searching, but I am deadly afraid of what I might find.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008


...Is non-existent in the life of me. I haven't had a good piece in 5 and a half months. Thank baby Jesus for Internet porn lol. I guess I'm being celibate, I don't really like it but I appreciate it for what it is. My town just doesn't have the quality of men I'm looking for. I'm constantly being bombarded with guys who wanna hook up, and that's just not an interest of mine any longer. I'm growing surprisingly. Many people are surprised to find out that I was actually a virgin until I was 19 years old; and since then I've done somethings, and some people, that I'm not that proud of. But the thing that bothers me the most is how I let relationships and sex take over my thoughts. I've gotten to a point where I thought to truly and fully be happy I needed someone next to me in my bed. Its been hard to get back into the mind-frame of being happy with myself completely. Its been my journey these days. But I'm making strides.